When Nobodies Meet Coffee
by Neassa
Summary: Axel, Demyx, and Roxas stumble upon Vexen's coffee. Ah the chaos! Saix is a pink bunny, jellybeans are everywhere, they're skating on sponges? And is that a carnivorous plant? Please R&R everyone! Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and God Bless you all!


Neassa: Hallo, my friends! Merry Christams Eve or whatever it is you celebrate! Tis what I know you all have been hoping for! My version of a Christmas special! However the actual story has nothing to do with said holidays. This idea was brought on by the stress of finals (which I didn't actually study for) and a well placed cup of coffee. Thank You Starbucks! BTW, I don't own KH, Mario, Care Bears, or Starbucks. If I did do you really think I would be typing on a comp as old as me? Well... I am getting a brand new one for Christmas tomorrow, but that doesn't count. Though it was fun to make my brother and dad camp out in front of Best Buy on Thanksgiving in order to get it on Black Friday. Tehe! On with the one-shot!

* * *

The day started out simply enough. Vexen awoke earlier than his fellow nobodies and portaled himself to the kitchen. He began brewing his favorite daily pot of coffee (how else do you think he survived the castle?) and set out all the cream, sugar and other things he would need to make sure that his coffee was not too strong. 

He then looked in the cabinet and grimaced, he had left his '#1 Scientist' mug in his lab. Now that just wouldn't do. The last time he didn't have that mug the Trio of Imbeciles (A.K.A. Roxas, Axel, and Demyx) had found their way into his lab and somehow (exactly how it happened had escaped him) turned the Melodious Nocturne into a guppy.

He shuddered remembering that day. It had been absolute insanity. So, now do you see why he was wary of not having his mug? He was sure it had something to do with the 'Guppy Incident'.

He stuck his head into the hallway and, not seeing any of the trio in the near vicinity, he walked briskly towards his lab in the basement, leaving his coffee brewing in the kitchen.

The day itself had started simply enough, but all hell was about to break loose.

_

* * *

_

_Roxas looked around. He was in the middle of a field of flowers he looked around and saw some bunnies. Roxas liked bunnies. He ran towards them and they jumped into his lap so he could huggle them._

_Roxas turned around when he heard a noise behind him and what he saw made him shriek in terror. Behind him was a pink bunny…_

… _with the face of Saïx._

Roxas screamed (a very _manly_ scream, mind you) and shot up out of his bed, throwing the nearest thing he could reach, his paopu alarm clock, in a random direction, which happened to be the door.

Which happened to open at that exact second.

"Hey, Roxas? What's all the screaming abou- GAH! MY EYE!!!" Axel fell to the floor in the hallway, clutching his left eye, as Roxas' alarm clock slammed into his skull, the pointy end driving itself into his eye socket.

Roxas looked around, sweating profusely at the thought of his dream, he then noticed Axel, "Hey, Axel? What are you doing on the floor?"

Axel glared up at him with his good eye, "_Gee,_ I wonder."

Roxas noticed his alarm clock and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. He jumped out of bed, clad only in a pair of dark grey sweat pants, his hair falling around his eyes as he had just woken up and had not had time to style it with the four bottles of hair gel he usually used. He managed to stumble out of bed and over to Axel, gaining the use of his legs for the first time that morning, he gave his friend a hand up, "Sorry, Axel. I didn't hurt you did I?"

Axel continued to glare at him, gingerly removing his hand from his eye, "Is it turning black? I think it's turning black."

Roxas shrugged, "Sorry, I had a nightmare. Throwing the alarm clock was instant reaction."

Axel rubbed his eye, trying to regain his sight, "What could _possibly_ scare you _that_ much?"

"Saïx was a pink bunny."

"AAAAHHHH!!! THE IMAGES!!!!" Axel fell to the floor for the second time that morning, writhing around and trying the claw out his eyes.

Roxas nodded solemnly, "Scary ain't it?"

Axel stood indignantly, finally able to see out of both of his eyes, "_Never _tell me something like that again. _Ever!_ Got it _memorized_?"

Roxas rolled his eyes at Axel's catchphrase, "You asked."

"I didn't ask to be scarred for life!" Axel insisted.

Roxas sighed and pushed some of his hair out of his eyes, making a mental note either to get it cut or style it as soon as he could, "Let's see if there's anything good in the kitchen. I'm too awake to go back to bed."

"Don't you want to put on a shirt or something?" Axel raised an eyebrow at Roxas' apparel, or lack thereof.

Roxas raised an eyebrow in turn, "You're one to talk." Axel was wearing a black muscle shirt with the words: 'Burn, baby! BURN!!!' on the front in fire-like print, as well as a pair of black boxers that had little fire hearts printed on them. The latter of which made Roxas snicker behind his hand.

Axel shrugged, "I'm too lazy to go change."

"Well so am I, let's go," Roxas started towards the kitchen and Axel crouched down by the paopu alarm clock, whispered several threats, then followed Roxas.

* * *

They walked into the kitchen (well, Axel stumbled) and Roxas began to look around and Axel stumbled over to the island in the middle of the kitchen, which doubled as a table, and instantly sat down on a stool, laid his head down, and began to snore. 

Roxas then spotted the pot of coffee.

That was how it all started.

"Hey, Axel, what's that?" Roxas pointed at the coffee and turned to Axel when he didn't receive a reply, "Axel?"

Axel snored loudly in response.

Roxas sighed loudly and grabbed a muffin from one of Larxene's cooking experiments (God _forbid_.) from the pantry and chucked it at Axel's head.

"Yeow!" Axel fell to the floor for a second time as, also for the second time that morning, a rock hard projectile made contact with his head.

"Hey, Axel? What's that?" asked Roxas, pointing to the coffee pot once again as Axel's head peaked over the table to glare at him murderously.

"I don't know, I think it's Vexen's." Axel said as he burnt Larxene's muffin to a crisp, "Best not to touch it. Who _knows _what it could be?"

"B-but it _smells_ really _good!_" Roxas whined.

"So did that potion that turned Demyx into a guppy." Axel pointed out.

A light bulb turned on over Roxas' head as Larxene randomly shot lightning at him, then left the room, "Demyx! That's it! We can get him to try it and see whether or not it's poisonous! He's gullible and he'll put _anything_ into his mouth! Remember the 'Battery Incident'?"

"Heaven forbid." Axel crossed himself and silently said a prayer, "But do you think it's a good idea to wake him up? Remember when Xaldin tried?"

Roxas shrugged, pushing some of his hair out of his eyes again, "Well, who wants to wake up to Xaldin's ugly mug? I'm sure Demyx throwing him out of the window was simply self-defense from Xaldin's ginormus sideburns."

Axel sighed, "Never mind, no use trying to talk you out of it, is there?"

"Nope!" Roxas said happily as he skipped, yes _skipped_, out of the kitchen, Axel stumbling behind him.

* * *

Roxas warily poked his head into Demyx's room and tiptoed inside, Axel following behind him, and walked over to Demyx's bed. Sometime in the night Demyx must have kicked his blankets off of his bed, because he had none and it was no mystery why. He was wearing long-sleeved blue flannel, Care Bear pajamas. 

Roxas poked him cautiously, "Hey? Demyx? Wake up."

Demyx rolled over in his sleep, clutching his blue Care Bear tightly, "Snoooorrree…. No, Mr. Care Bear… Those are _my_ cookies! Snoooorrrreee…"

Axel raised an eyebrow, "He dreams about cookies and Care Bears?"

Demyx began mumbling again, "I don't care if sharing is caring, Mr. Care Bear… GIVE ME MY **(CENSORED!)** COOKIES!"

Roxas winced at Demyx's language and pulled a bucket of water out of a conveniently located plot hole, "Demyx, SNAP OUT OF IT!" Roxas poured the bucket over Demyx's head.

Demyx shot straight up in bed, "MY COOKIES! … Oh, hi, guys! What's up?" Demyx seemed oddly okay with being woken up; leaving Axel to wonder if this was the calm before the storm.

"We found something of Vexen's that smells really good in the kitchen," Roxas jerked his thumb over his should in the direction of the kitchen, "We were wondering if you wanted to try it first?"

"NO!" Demyx curled into a ball and stuck his head under one of his pillows, "I dun wanna be a guppy again!"

Axel decided to try his hand at persuasion, "C'mon? If it were dangerous, then why would Vexen put it in the kitchen? It can't be _that_ bad, right?"

Demyx was suddenly his hyper self again, "I guess not." He hopped out of his bed, holding his Care Bear in one hand and trying to fix his mullet with the other, "C'mon! Let's go!" Demyx started hopping, yes _hopping_, out of his door and down the hall.

Roxas and Axel exchanged glances, shrugged, and followed him, not knowing what they were getting themselves into.

Not in the slightest.

* * *

"Oh, wow. That _does_ smell good!" Demyx exclaimed, as he, Roxas, and Axel walked into the kitchen, he then turned to the oven clock, blinked, rubbed his eyes, and then blinked again, "SEVEN THIRTY?!?! Holy Wyvern! What got you up this early?!" 

Axel nudged Roxas, "Roxas here had a nightmare and woke me up with his screaming."

Demyx snickered, "Roxas was screaming? What could make him do that?"

Roxas kindly waited until Axel had plugged his ears before telling Demyx, "Saïx was a pink bunny."

"AAAAHHHH!!! THE IMAGES!!!!" Demyx crawled into a corner, hugging his care bear and his knees and rocking back and forth, "There's no such thing as Saïx-bunnies… There's no such thing as Saïx-bunnies… There's no such thing as Saïx-bunnies… THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS SAÏX-BUNNIES!!!" Demyx then broke off into hysterical sobs.

Axel pointed at the coffee pot, "Um, Demyx?"

Demyx looked up, "Oh, yeah!" He skipped over to the cabinet and pulled out his '#1 Sitar Player' mug, which he was very proud of, and poured himself coffee. He saw the cream and sugar and thought to himself, '_Every thing is better with cream and sugar in it!'_ and poured about a pound of each into his, miraculously not overflowing, mug.

Axel and Roxas leaned across the table to get a better look at what he was doing.

Demyx took a sip of coffee.

Axel and Roxas waited with baited breath.

Demyx blinked, "Hey, that stuff's actually pretty good!" He continued to drink his coffee and, seeing as how he wasn't growing any gills, Roxas and Axel shrugged and poured themselves coffee.

Pretty soon the pot was empty and the trio had found some jellybeans to munch on. Thirty seconds later they felt a strange sensation fall over them. Then their pupils dilated to pinpricks and all hell broke loose.

* * *

Luxord walked out of his room, rubbing his temples due to a hangover. He should _not_ have spent so much time gambling last night… He was about to step all the way into the hall when heard something (he wasn't quite sure what) coming his way. 

He stepped back just in time as red, blonde, and blue blurs shot past him. He was able to make out the figures of Axel, Demyx, and Roxas as they careened down the hall… skating on sponges?

He saw Demyx take a fistful of jellybeans out of a jar he was carrying and throw them at Roxas. The keyblade wielder gracefully pirouetted, because he's just _so_ awesome, to avoid the jellybeans coming his way. Axel laughed maniacally and skated towards Demyx, stealing the jellybeans from him as they continued to skate down the hall.

Once they were out of sight Luxord decided he must've still been drunk, and went back to bed.

* * *

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Demyx squealed down the hall with Axel and Roxas following close behind. The trio screeched to a stop in front of a door labeled: **'WARNING! VEXEN'S LAB! DO NOT ENTER IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE WITH ALL OF YOUR BODY PARTS INTACT!'**. 

Unfortunately for them, the trio was too hyped up on coffee to be bothered to read at the moment and practically busted the door down. There was a note on a random table near the door with a note on it. The note merely read:

To Whom It May Concern; The Trio of Imbeciles" (That means YOU, Roxas, Demyx, and Axel!)

_I have merely left my lab to get some coffee, if I return and find it in a state of disrepair, the culprit will be frozen in an ice block so large it will only thaw out one thousand years from now and the culprit will be suspected to be a caveperson, therefore being studied by futuristic scientists for the rest of his/her (presumably short) lifespan._

_Either that or I will freeze you to a chair and force you to watch 'The Flying Nun' reruns for two weeks or until you die._

Whichever comes first.

_Sincerely,_

Vexen.

_P.S. Do **NOT** touch the vials labeled **DO NOT TOUCH!** If you do, the world as we know it will end._

Unfortunately for them they couldn't be bothered to read that either, it could have saved them a whole lot of trouble. No, they were far too busy looking around the lab at all of the different concoctions to read the incriminating note.

Demyx wandered (at hyper speed, mind you) over to a crate. It was labeled 'DO NOT TOUCH!', but everyone should know the drill by now, right? No reading for da hyper nobodies!

Demyx sniffed the vials experimentally, (Tehehe… get it? _Experimentally_? They're in a _lab_? Tehehehe…? I'll be quiet now.) and, deducing that they smelled good, snatched them up and ran over to Axel and Roxas, "Hey-guys!-Guess-what-I-found!"

"Your-brain?" Axel asked excitedly.

"Nope!-Smell-good-things!" Demyx set the box on the table with a clatter, his coffee-brain not registering the insult.

While one may argue that Demyx was the one the coffee affected the most, it was not true. Roxas was the one who had gotten the most shock out of it, having had been banned from sugar and caffeine of any and all kinds since the 'Fresca Incident'.

"Reallythat'sawesomeDemyxletsdrinksomeofitandseewhathappensdontyouwanttoIwanttoeheheheheheheheheheheheheeeeee!" Roxas cackled maniacally. Yes, he was speaking too fast for his speech even to be hyphenated.

Roxas reached his hand out to grab one of the vials, but Axel smacked his hand away, "Wait!-Let's-test-it-on-something-first!"

Demyx hopped over and snatched vial and then ran over to a pencil. The pencil was harmlessly sitting there, dull and half-sharpened. Demyx cautiously dropped a drop on it. Okay, that's a lie. He was vibrating, yes _vibrating_, from the sugar and caffeine so bad he ended up spilling half the bottle over the poor pencil.

Axel and Roxas crowded around waiting for something to happen.

They waited.

And waited.

"Nothingshappening," Roxas said after what seemed like an eternity, but was really only a couple or three seconds.

Suddenly the pencil began to grow and change. A look of horror crossed everyone's faces as a shadow fell over them. Roxas, Axel, and Demyx looked on as the pencil had become… an elephant. No, it's not a typo.

The elephant trumpeted and began to stampede. The trio screamed and ran in different directions as the elephant stomped past them. Right into the table where the potions were. It over turned the table with its trunk and the potions went everywhere.

One potion landed in a flowerpot, where a harmless fern was growing. It spilt into the soil and three seconds passed. The fern then became one of those carnivorous plants you always see in the Mario games and it roared, looking around for someone, or something, to devour.

Another potion spilt all over Vexen's innocent little cream-colored tabby kitten, he had named it Yuki. Three seconds passed and Yuki became a lion and began chasing Roxas.

The other potions went everywhere else and chaos resounded. Potions were spilt, glass was broken, random things were set on fire (It is under discussion whether or not Axel was the cause of that.), and then suddenly, the door opened.

Everyone froze (no pun intended) as they spotted The Chilly Academic standing in the doorway, a once-hot cup of coffee in one hand that was rapidly turning into a popsicle, the '#1 Scientist' mug did little to help matters as the temperature in lab dropped to thirty degrees below zero and Vexen surveyed the lab, an expression of pure fury portrayed on his face.

Yuki the lion had Roxas' head in his mouth, but hadn't bit into anything vital, yet. The pencil turned elephant had grabbed Demyx with its trunk and was about to throw him into a wall when Vexen walked in. Axel currently had one of his hands stuck in the plant's mouth and would have tried to get it out if Vexen's sudden appearance hadn't rooted him to the spot.

Frost travel from the tips of Vexen's fingers all the way over his body and his mug shattered. "WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO DRINK MY COFFEE!?!?!?!?!?" Vexen roared as he summoned his shield and froze them all to the spot in columns of ice, leaving only their heads free, he had put two and two together a while back.

Axel seemed to snap back to his senses as he shattered his ice prison and freed his two partners in crime, "RUN!!!" He shouted and took off, the sponges on his feet allowing him to skate quickly. Roxas followed him and Demyx brought up the rear.

The shot past Vexen and Demyx shot some water at the scientist behind them, hoping to make him slip and keep him from following.

Eventually the reached Roxas' room and went inside, barricading the door. They sat in a circle and began to plot, each of them thinking the same thing:

'_We _have_ to get some more of that coffee.'_

* * *

Neassa: Sorry for ending it so abruptly, but I wanted to get it out today. Merry Christmas to all! And if enough people review and tell me they want one, I might post a sequel with a lot more time spent on the coffee hype! So please review! God Bless! 


End file.
